“The best part is that other people don’t *have* to change their ways — the change has all in my own head.”

Exactly! Be the change you want to see. I’ve taken the same attitude toward loaning money, or loaning anything, for that matter, and it has made a world of difference.

Thanks for sharing. Next time you’re feeling talkative, I’d love to use something this good as a guest post and get it a broader audience.

You see my mother taught me the very same thing, not in the context of giving, but of lending. She told me once, when I was upset that a good friend hadn’t repaid a debt, that “You should never lend a friend anything you can’t afford to give them. You must first decide privately, in your heart, whether you’re willing and able to consider it a gift. If you can’t, in your heart, give it to them as a gift” she explained, “then you just have to say no.” And it’s only in your heart — you need not (probably should not!) *tell* them you are going to consider it a gift — that fact is for your benefit, not theirs.

Then, if they do repay you, it’s a pleasant surprise for you, that you truly were not expecting — if it was “a clean give, right? And if they never do, your gift will not jeopardize the friendship the way an unpaid debt might. You don’t feel the need to hound them to repay you for the gift you gave them, do you? If you do, then you’re not doing it right!

My initial reaction to this concept was “But it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing! Shouldn’t he respect our friendship enough to pay me back?” And the answer is yes, of course he should. But some people are just irresponsible like that — and I can only be responsible for my choices and my behavior. I know my friend did genuinely intend to repay me at the time (and probably still does!), but he lives in a perpetual state of financial crisis and I know this about him, and yet I still want to be friends — just maybe not his payday-loan shark…

So I decided I could forgive the debt my friend owed me, in my heart, because the money was not as important as the friendship was to me, and I stopped asking for it, and started feeling good for having helped him instead of feeling bad that he wronged me.

Then, like the writer of this post, though I doubted it would work, I tried it out the next time someone asked me to “help them out of a jam”, “just till next month”. And it has worked better than I could have imagined. I no longer agonize over the decision, if someone asks to borrow money. If I care about them enough to give it, and I can afford to, then why wouldn’t I “lend” it to them cheerfully? If I don’t, then I may have to make up some polite excuses and apologize, but I simply will not. The best part is that other people don’t *have* to change their ways — the change has all in my own head.

I changed the way I look at lending: I’m not a bank. I don’t lend money — I sometimes give a good friend a gift that they really need, right when they need it. And that makes me feel great! And, as an added bonus, sometimes they give me one back! It’s like you really can change the world just by changing the way you look at it! You make this pre-choice about how you will treat this problem that has the potentioal to be painful both emotionally and financially, as if it was actually an opportunity, and not only does that make the bad outcomes and hard feelings impossible, it generates great ones!

My mom taught me this small but powerful bit of responsibility, how and when and why to say no. I learned to take that pause, in advance, when someone promises oh-so-genuinely that they will pay you back “as soon as possible”, and ask myself first if a) I can afford it financially, and b) whether I’m willing to *give* this person what they’ve asked to borrow. It has led to a few uncomfortable No’s, but the real treasure in this advice is when you do end up having “given a gift” to someone that they’d only asked to borrow, and instead of guilt and anger and damaged relationships, you feel good that you were able to help out a friend in need.

Since I stopped asking for it, my friend has stopped asking me to lend him money — which was worth the investment right there! But if he ever does again, I know now that I would help him again, if he really needed it and I could afford to, (tho please don’t tell him I said so!) because that’s what friends do. Looked at this way, he’d call it a loan to save his pride and I’d call it a gift, to save mine.

Years later I told my mom how much her advice had helped me throughout my life, and she admitted that she’d actually learned it from me (and my brothers). If you replace “friend” with “teen-aged offspring” it’s pretty much describes how parents are forced to handle loan applications from those financially irresponsible people that they happen to live with, and love :-)

Or something like that.

It makes it easier to give cleanly and not expect anything in return. From time to time I find myself ‘summing up’ the gives and takes in different relationships and I remind myself to give cleanly (did I mention I love that phrase?). Of course, the other part of me wants to make sure that I am not a taker so I find myself ensuring that I “repay” others…but that limits their ability to give cleanly (if I always reciprocate).

Did I mention that it is confusing to be a clean giver and a clean taker? :-)

Nice post, nice interview, nice thoughts. Thanks for giving.

Peace,
@dedlen